peace in the middle
apathy, stoicism and the rest of the world
I was writing a piece that was going to detail the pains and hurts of the last few months and its effects on me. It was long and as vague/specific as I could be without getting all in my personal business. But f*ck that. Yes, I’ve had a hard few months. Yes, it left me a little apathetic and worryingly nihilistic sometimes. Yes, I thought “it isn’t real, anyway” for a few weeks and, yes, I still feel a little detached from life right now. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I’m still doing this for.
But so what? You’ve never felt the Nietzsche touch? You never been in a little depresh? And to be honest, I’ve also never been as true to myself as I am now. As my therapist said, I’m currently choosing “authenticity over attachment”. So I’m taking things in stride - I am where I am, and nobody can beat me up about it. What have I got to lose?
I could take my experiences over the last few months - someone I cared about walking out of my life, piling work tensions and anxieties about my family member’s health - and use that as an excuse to become more selfish. I might even be justified. Lord knows I tried to (but I’m too much of a softie to go through with it).
No, instead what happened was a gradual letting go, a “f*ck it” philosophy that’s allowed me to be more honest with myself and those around me. I try to be more real now, and say more of what I actually think or feel. If this can come crashing down at any point, and God doesn’t promise us tomorrow, then why spend another day not trying to be who you are?
After releasing my last piece, I went off socials for six weeks, only reachable via text. I thought it’d do something: maybe I would discover something new about myself, God and the world that would reinvigorate my vim for life. That maybe I would get some kind of enlightenment, that I wouldn’t be consumed by frustration and resentment at situations that didn’t look they wanted to change yet.
But no - I mean, they did change, just not always how I expected. And isn’t that just so... life? To give you a bit of what you want and a bit of what you don’t? Good and bad, sweet and salty.
Anyway, with each new ‘thing’ that happened, I’ve learned to just accept and roll with it as best as I can for the time I’m in. A new thought appeared - “it just is”. A natural stoicism. I think of a YouTube channel called LAHWF, which stands for Losing All Hope Was Freedom. I get it: there’s a peace in the desolation, an understanding that the figurative axe dangling over your neck is no more. It crashed, and you survived it. So what else do you have to fear when you’ve reached ‘bottom’ and it’s not as deep as you thought? Seneca asked a question: is this what I feared?
(Perhaps the social break was enlightening, just not in the way I thought.)
I’ve learned to accept people more, too. I always did, but my whole shtick was trying to push everyone upwards to “being more”, “being better”, because that’s what I was doing to myself. Which is a great thing, obviously, but I’ve come to accept that not everybody’s ready for that at the same time as me. And that’s before we even realise that being “better” means different things for different people.
On top of that, I realised that my strive for being “better” most likely came from a place of insecurity, trying to perform perfection to finally feel like I was ‘good enough’. That’s all BS. Not to say that I’m excusing sinking to your lowest self and indulging willy-nilly (if you know better, then try and do better). No, I think I’m just less harsh on myself when I mess up or act out. And I try to be less harsh on others, too. More often, we mess up or act out of our own misunderstandings or brokenness than anything else. Someone I met said we can only meet others at the level we’ve met ourselves.
So what now? What’s left in the wake of failures and pains? Rubble and relics of resentment and frustration, for sure, but also a realisation that this circus truly is a circus. No use dancing with a frown (you’ll regret it), but still try and put on a good show (you’ll be proud).
For a while, there was a Great Indifference, feeling myself lost in an apathy spiralling out of control. I just didn’t care for much: I knew things would get better and I didn’t care, because there’d just be more crap to get through eventually. So what was the point? Scary times.
Now comes the Big Melancholy, as compassion soaks my heart a little. Less nihilist sentiments, but more stoic understanding as I understand we’re all just broken little people trying to fix things the best way we know how at the time. And even for those who know better and do worse, I hold my mind’s tongue because sometimes doing the right thing takes more courage than we have the bravery for at the time. So to each their own, though I hope we aim to do better. Remember: some mistakes can’t be undone.
Okay, I think that’s it for today. The sun is out right now - blue skies and cool winds - and I’m feeling summery, kind of fancying some cocktails this evening. Tomorrow’s Monday and I hope this week has something cool in store for me. I hope you go and get up to something cool and funky. Make some new friends and memories. Try something new. Go on an adventure. After all - life is to be lived.
See you soon.
J